i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
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I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
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I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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