I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
