my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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