one two three fourrrrnication!
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
