Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
