can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
meet me or not, i'm out of control
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You dont lie about slip and slides
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
