I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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