Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
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while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
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I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize