Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
