listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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