I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you win again, gameday.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
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