dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
