So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
