I feel like abortions should bother me more
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He passed out mid-signature
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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