she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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