what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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