When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
