I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
