I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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