god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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