hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
