Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
