mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
