I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
