Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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