I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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