dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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