Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
