I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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