need another drink. this is the easiest way
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
