My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
