Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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