I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
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ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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