I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The best revenge is premature balding
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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