Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
