i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
