I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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