You smell like a Billy Joel song
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
