I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
