My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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