when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
