I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
