Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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