hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
