I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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