Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
