mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
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I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
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I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
we should paint friendship bongs
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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