now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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