i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
