my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
