i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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