Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
