god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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